OMGosh: Had the best Xmas EVER

XMAS XMAS XMAS. I am over the moon. Even the my ear hurts and I still have some PTSD emotions. Nothing can trump XMAS. My mother is amazing.

Update from Thanksiving

So I was sunk down in a canyon on 11/25- thanksgiving. I am happy to report I actually slept 6 hours in a row once since then. Amazing. I may do that again tonight provided that Johnny doesnt drive me nuts from being in from the rain. So that is my good news. Gotta get it where I can. Lots of love to you all. Shell

No title

I still cant make sense if why I was molested as a child. I can only come up with for today, that when my spirit boldly came into this world I chose my path. And that path was to have this happen to me resulting in such trauma that I sought recovery and healing which lead me to be really self aware and more present for my child and others. that seems strange though. maybe I would be self aware and present from the beginning if this didn't happen in the first place. Doubtful. Most humans aren't as a standard unless they work like hell at it. But to experience such terror and fright and abandonment as a small small child? the good news is that I don't feel shame about what happened then but I do feel some shame about my later actions which were absolutely a direct result of what happened from then. As Brenda says, things were awakened in me that should not have been awakened at that age. I had all the classic signs yet my parents saw nothing. I don't blame them. I love them. Just wish they weren't so clueless. But even that seems like a moot point at this stage. So will I ever make sense of this? I just want to sleep. I haven't slept more than 5 hours a night in months. That is when the terror comes. Embedded in me now. It is not like I wake up screaming. It is like something is slowly shaking me and I am so sleepy I cant imagine ever waking up and then all of a sudden I am wide awake. That must be how it happened back then. The whole thing is weird. I am apprehensive about going back to therapy about it because she wants me to really experience what happened to process and heal. That means getting in touch with the terror and pain and all that other stuff. Abandonment etc. But if I don't I am stuck not trusting anything or worse not sleeping. Now I have to trust this will work. I also have to trust that the thousands it will cost is okay and that debting is okay. I have asked God to bring me solutions. So far nothing. If God is in this really he will make my path so damn obvious today or tomorrow.This definately feels hopeless. Perfect time for God to come in. By the way, today is thanksgiving. Gee, thanks.

My notebook

I have been wanting to write all week but one thing piles on top pf the other and writing is like a lost little sad alone thought waiting to be heard. And I really wanted to write free hand in my notebook which who-the-hell-knows where that is. I have things everywhere. I have socks in my car, library books lost, cat food on the floor, trucks in my purse, crayons on top of the fridge. So I am gonna try to round up a pen and a notebook at the same time! That would be a bigger feat than just writing. But my storry idea is too big to start writing here. I want to save it for the page to see what comes next. I had the first paragraph come out in my head 3 days ago and wanted to write it immediately. I hope by the time time I do round up a pen and scare up a notebook I will still have the idea fresh anf flowing. Maybe not fresh but there. There for sure. Theres no denying that. it is a dark one but with so much truth it brings the darkness to the light. but some might have a hard time reading it becasue their truth may still be hidden in the dark. Maybe my writing will help them get to their truth? Give them the courage? Or just bring it up and then for inabilit yto handle it they go insane, sink into a deep depression and do somehting reckless. God, I hope not. I have done enough of that for 566 people. I am serious. I bet of you rounded up 556 people from all walks of life- I have done more reckless things than them. Especially if you count those little girls in audit at my firm. Scary for them is proabaly wearing pink underwear and leaving the car window down at an itnersection with the radio on. Mine is dark. Iti s mine. I have seen so much. Partially from my own force. Partialy as a bystander. Partialy as an unwilling participant of someone else's coerced nightmare. So the idea is still there. Running around my heart to keep strong in the meantime. Soaking up blood from my ateries to get even stronger. And then I will finally write. It sounds like such a freeing miracle. I cant wait. And if it was not what I though it would be- which it will- I will be knocked up with a new idea, and another and another. God, he wont let me down. Amen to that. Off to sleep. Oh, before I go- Can I tell you how absolutely precious it is when Kai is laying in my lap drinking his bottle and he takes the nipple out of his mouth, leans up to my face and says in a half whisper, "hi". It is the most loaded beautfiul hi ever. Love love love. He is perfection on earth. I want to eat him!!!
Love S

Golden Ticket

Today and yesterday were the awesomest most joyous fun and sun and love love fun fun ever!! We did the party and the zoo and the pool and the secret park and Hollywood! and lots ot love and cuddles. Yes, lots of work. Lunches, breakfast, dinner, driving, clothes, snacks, water, milk, juice, swimsuits, gifts, sleep, naps, bedtime, oh I wake up at 6am btw Aunite Shelley. Oh I kick my cousin Mia in the head and wake her up mommy. But we had the best time. Even with my "pains" whatever!!!!!!!!! I am beyond the luckiest of the luckiest. I won the prize. The golden ticket. They chose me. I got it. Woo hoo. Thanks God. Pretty alright with me. I pray for beautiful succulent sleep that drips off my bed and rests firmly in my bones. Now that sounds restful. I wish they didnt have to leave.

Each day

Hi all my fans in BlogLand- Me. I am it. But that is okay. I like being my own audience for now. Especially since most of my blogs have no point. What I have gone thru in the last 14 hours amazes me. And that is my life everyday. Everyday I go thru a large decision, a seeming dilemma, an emotional response, and a huge spiritual shift. On top of that is all the fun I have with Kai. And that cant even be put into words. In those moments I am the luckiest person on earth. Everyday is like I just said. These huge shifts. Real world things that happen. And Kai. And when people ask How I am, I just say, Great. I could never recap what I went thru in just the last few hours. Will my life ever slow down or not be so changing? I hope so.

Whatever

Hi,
In my last post I said that I was boring and stuck, essentially. I am getting unstuck. It has taken a long time. That is why my blog is so stilted and careful. I can only venture to put my toe out into the water to hover over the water before taking it back in and hiding it again. To put it out therr fully means to feel it all. The good and the bad. To fully reach my leg out, point my toe and stick it in means i am ready to feel the temperature. To feel what it is to feel. I guess that is what I am almost ready to do. Put the toe in. The thought of the pain has been to scary. The thought of the joy is unfathomable. I need a little push. I feel big loss and huge huge bliss and joy every day. Every day. Ever day I am 100% grateful for my life. Also every day I combat fears and challenges too big for me. To big for me. But I do it. I think there is even more bliss and more joy to be had then I can even imagine. Question is am I willin to get that big with the fear of feeling that much more pain. Hopefully it does not work like that. For today I will put my damn toe in the water. Maybe tomorrow i will jump. Maybe I wont write on this blog for 4 more months.

That's okay

I love my boring self. Soon I will have a plethora, a gushing of wonderful thoughts and ideas to share. For now they are preparing themselves to come out. Like a tasty savory meat (or other food for my meat free friends and only blog reader Quel) that is marinating. If something marinates a while it comes out bursting with flavor! Well, that is like my thoughts. They will just come bursting out and i will acutally have a blog that is no longer boring. until then, I just look for me in the slow cooker. So that is where I will be, where could my friend Quel be? :)

World's Most Boring Blog

My blog is lame! That is okay- I can accept it. It is self-indulgent (well, arent most blogs anyways?), stilted, sporadic and lacking any real content or theme. Does that mean I am these things too? Stilted sporadic and lacking any content? I am afraid maybe! Now, no one really reads my blog except for occasionally my good friend Quel- who I must say is M.I.A at the moment, and maybe, but I doubt it, Quel's followers becasue she has a link ot my blog on hers. Anyways, i dont care my blog is boring. I dont know why I am even bother posting. Maybe my cat Albert will want to read it.

Tuesday

Hi,

I am going to go to bed now, but I just wanted to keep it going with the blog since I got in a roll here- 3 x in one week!. Too bad i don't have much to say. Kai is the best!! Albert too. i am so blessed. This L.A. weather is to die for. Such a great day. And I found a lady to do my eyebrows for $15 at a little hole in the wall in the back of a beauty supply store. You know the kind. With weird veneer wood panelling on the wall and little ladies sipping espresso in foreign accents. The result: My brows havent looked this good in forever. Do I venture for the haircut with her. Think I have to.

2 quotes

2 great quotes I heard lately:

"Don't hang pictures on the prison walls of your mind."

And

"Don't sell out your bliss for pleasure."

Yipeee!!!!!

Well helloo Folks,

No one really reads my blog, but in case any one does or even if they don't I just wanted to say life is Grand. If you don't think so you are missing the point of it. Even the bad can be good and sometimes the good bad so it is all just the bestest. I love it. So this must mean i am out of my existential depression from last year. And guess what? Kai turns one on Thursday. I just can't wait.

Love. Love. Love. Ahhhh.

Smiles. Love. sweet baby smell. So sweet. amazing baby laugh. kisses. splashes. whispers. screams. loud. loud. love love. my baby. my baby. Kai. Ocean. Kai. Ocean. Kai. Kisses. Playing. Rolling. Laughing. Need to sleep.

Uh-Oh

headache. work. tax-season. hormones. lawsuits. hormones. no sleep. little help. obsession. hormones. school. what? school. yes, school. hormones. baby. baby baby. hot-flashes. hormones. breast -feeding=crazy hormones. birth certificate. documents. doctors. praying. praying. praying. God. no sleep. ouch. no eat. thirsty. boring meetings. ouch headache. dizzy. blind spots. scared. doctors appointments. work work work. paper due. paper due. eat? Drink? cupakes.