My notebook

I have been wanting to write all week but one thing piles on top pf the other and writing is like a lost little sad alone thought waiting to be heard. And I really wanted to write free hand in my notebook which who-the-hell-knows where that is. I have things everywhere. I have socks in my car, library books lost, cat food on the floor, trucks in my purse, crayons on top of the fridge. So I am gonna try to round up a pen and a notebook at the same time! That would be a bigger feat than just writing. But my storry idea is too big to start writing here. I want to save it for the page to see what comes next. I had the first paragraph come out in my head 3 days ago and wanted to write it immediately. I hope by the time time I do round up a pen and scare up a notebook I will still have the idea fresh anf flowing. Maybe not fresh but there. There for sure. Theres no denying that. it is a dark one but with so much truth it brings the darkness to the light. but some might have a hard time reading it becasue their truth may still be hidden in the dark. Maybe my writing will help them get to their truth? Give them the courage? Or just bring it up and then for inabilit yto handle it they go insane, sink into a deep depression and do somehting reckless. God, I hope not. I have done enough of that for 566 people. I am serious. I bet of you rounded up 556 people from all walks of life- I have done more reckless things than them. Especially if you count those little girls in audit at my firm. Scary for them is proabaly wearing pink underwear and leaving the car window down at an itnersection with the radio on. Mine is dark. Iti s mine. I have seen so much. Partially from my own force. Partialy as a bystander. Partialy as an unwilling participant of someone else's coerced nightmare. So the idea is still there. Running around my heart to keep strong in the meantime. Soaking up blood from my ateries to get even stronger. And then I will finally write. It sounds like such a freeing miracle. I cant wait. And if it was not what I though it would be- which it will- I will be knocked up with a new idea, and another and another. God, he wont let me down. Amen to that. Off to sleep. Oh, before I go- Can I tell you how absolutely precious it is when Kai is laying in my lap drinking his bottle and he takes the nipple out of his mouth, leans up to my face and says in a half whisper, "hi". It is the most loaded beautfiul hi ever. Love love love. He is perfection on earth. I want to eat him!!!
Love S

Golden Ticket

Today and yesterday were the awesomest most joyous fun and sun and love love fun fun ever!! We did the party and the zoo and the pool and the secret park and Hollywood! and lots ot love and cuddles. Yes, lots of work. Lunches, breakfast, dinner, driving, clothes, snacks, water, milk, juice, swimsuits, gifts, sleep, naps, bedtime, oh I wake up at 6am btw Aunite Shelley. Oh I kick my cousin Mia in the head and wake her up mommy. But we had the best time. Even with my "pains" whatever!!!!!!!!! I am beyond the luckiest of the luckiest. I won the prize. The golden ticket. They chose me. I got it. Woo hoo. Thanks God. Pretty alright with me. I pray for beautiful succulent sleep that drips off my bed and rests firmly in my bones. Now that sounds restful. I wish they didnt have to leave.

Each day

Hi all my fans in BlogLand- Me. I am it. But that is okay. I like being my own audience for now. Especially since most of my blogs have no point. What I have gone thru in the last 14 hours amazes me. And that is my life everyday. Everyday I go thru a large decision, a seeming dilemma, an emotional response, and a huge spiritual shift. On top of that is all the fun I have with Kai. And that cant even be put into words. In those moments I am the luckiest person on earth. Everyday is like I just said. These huge shifts. Real world things that happen. And Kai. And when people ask How I am, I just say, Great. I could never recap what I went thru in just the last few hours. Will my life ever slow down or not be so changing? I hope so.

Whatever

Hi,
In my last post I said that I was boring and stuck, essentially. I am getting unstuck. It has taken a long time. That is why my blog is so stilted and careful. I can only venture to put my toe out into the water to hover over the water before taking it back in and hiding it again. To put it out therr fully means to feel it all. The good and the bad. To fully reach my leg out, point my toe and stick it in means i am ready to feel the temperature. To feel what it is to feel. I guess that is what I am almost ready to do. Put the toe in. The thought of the pain has been to scary. The thought of the joy is unfathomable. I need a little push. I feel big loss and huge huge bliss and joy every day. Every day. Ever day I am 100% grateful for my life. Also every day I combat fears and challenges too big for me. To big for me. But I do it. I think there is even more bliss and more joy to be had then I can even imagine. Question is am I willin to get that big with the fear of feeling that much more pain. Hopefully it does not work like that. For today I will put my damn toe in the water. Maybe tomorrow i will jump. Maybe I wont write on this blog for 4 more months.