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I still cant make sense if why I was molested as a child. I can only come up with for today, that when my spirit boldly came into this world I chose my path. And that path was to have this happen to me resulting in such trauma that I sought recovery and healing which lead me to be really self aware and more present for my child and others. that seems strange though. maybe I would be self aware and present from the beginning if this didn't happen in the first place. Doubtful. Most humans aren't as a standard unless they work like hell at it. But to experience such terror and fright and abandonment as a small small child? the good news is that I don't feel shame about what happened then but I do feel some shame about my later actions which were absolutely a direct result of what happened from then. As Brenda says, things were awakened in me that should not have been awakened at that age. I had all the classic signs yet my parents saw nothing. I don't blame them. I love them. Just wish they weren't so clueless. But even that seems like a moot point at this stage. So will I ever make sense of this? I just want to sleep. I haven't slept more than 5 hours a night in months. That is when the terror comes. Embedded in me now. It is not like I wake up screaming. It is like something is slowly shaking me and I am so sleepy I cant imagine ever waking up and then all of a sudden I am wide awake. That must be how it happened back then. The whole thing is weird. I am apprehensive about going back to therapy about it because she wants me to really experience what happened to process and heal. That means getting in touch with the terror and pain and all that other stuff. Abandonment etc. But if I don't I am stuck not trusting anything or worse not sleeping. Now I have to trust this will work. I also have to trust that the thousands it will cost is okay and that debting is okay. I have asked God to bring me solutions. So far nothing. If God is in this really he will make my path so damn obvious today or tomorrow.This definately feels hopeless. Perfect time for God to come in. By the way, today is thanksgiving. Gee, thanks.